DIY: 5 Ways to Make your Politician’s Day

Excerpted from the 10th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016     

Tired of those politicians who grumble and complain, and say that their constituents never say anything nice to them? Here are the Youth Group Scoop’s Top 5 ways to make Your Politician’s Day.

     1. Tell him what he wants to hear. It’ll make the politician a lot happier and it will also help solve his problems if you tell him what he probably wants to hear. If you say something he doesn’t want to hear, it won’t help him at all.

     2. Realize you can’t make all the politicians happy. If you make your local senator happy, that doesn’t mean that is going to make your representative happy. If you make your senator happy, it probably could make your representative mad at you. Also realize that no matter how hard you try to make one politician happy, you can’t make him all happy. Some of him will probably be mad while part of him will be happy, no matter what you do. If this confuses you, just think of how the politician can’t make all of you and your friends completely happy, because someone always seems to be mad at him.

     3. Say nice things about politicians to the media. Say how you love the politicians, and how they’re just great people, even if you don’t really know all the politicians. I mean, the politicians don’t know everybody that voted for them. Maybe a cereal killer voted for him, and he just said that he loves all his constituents, and thanks them all for electing him. So say some nice things, and thank your politician for being elected. Honestly, it’s probably a boring job.

     4. Purchase a company, or start one up. Then, unless the company already makes clocks, set up factories and begin manufacturing 24 hour clocks. Then sell the politician a clock, with a large contract and lots of extras that he didn’t want or need, and charge extra fees. You will have made his day, quite literally, by manufacturing the clock and selling it to him.

     5. This fifth way is actually a list of random other things. You could vote for your politician, you could help his campaign, you could donate money to his cause, you could even ask him to vote himself a raise so that he could have more money. You could also send his office strange notes with confusing statements and questions such as, “Your hair resembles a large head of cauliflower”, or “If bananas weren’t so green, why did he turn into a yellow-belly?”. Or even “Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!” This will exemplify your large vocabulary.

                   -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.