Pick. Click. Get.

Excerpted from the 12th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016.

     Are you worried about the true meaning of Christmas being diminished? Thinking that your family won’t want to spend money on you? No worries.

The newest charity which is sweeping not only Alaska, but the entire nation, is the most popular charity ever before launched. Pick. Click. Get.

     It’s simple. Just google “pick, click, get.” and you can find the website. www.pickclickget.org 

     It’s simple. Make an account, and search for companies that sell the kinds of things you want. Then you pick your favorite product, click, and get. 

    Instead of helping save animals off the streets, you’ll be getting so much more.

Pick. Click. Get. will wrap your present and deliver it straight to your door. Plus, it only costs you a little money. So instead of wasting extra money on dogs and cats, donate to Pick. Click. Get. and order your pre-wrapped present.

                        -Alex M, the Youth Group Scoop.

Lady Forgets to get her pencil until After sermon 50th time.

Excerpted from the 10th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Yes, that’s right. A lady was reported to have gotten up from her chair, located in the first half of the chairs, and walked all the way to the back to retrieve a pencil, in what seems to be the 50th time. Perhaps some memory techniques are in order. - the YGS

DIY: 5 Ways to Make your Politician’s Day

Excerpted from the 10th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016     

Tired of those politicians who grumble and complain, and say that their constituents never say anything nice to them? Here are the Youth Group Scoop’s Top 5 ways to make Your Politician’s Day.

     1. Tell him what he wants to hear. It’ll make the politician a lot happier and it will also help solve his problems if you tell him what he probably wants to hear. If you say something he doesn’t want to hear, it won’t help him at all.

     2. Realize you can’t make all the politicians happy. If you make your local senator happy, that doesn’t mean that is going to make your representative happy. If you make your senator happy, it probably could make your representative mad at you. Also realize that no matter how hard you try to make one politician happy, you can’t make him all happy. Some of him will probably be mad while part of him will be happy, no matter what you do. If this confuses you, just think of how the politician can’t make all of you and your friends completely happy, because someone always seems to be mad at him.

     3. Say nice things about politicians to the media. Say how you love the politicians, and how they’re just great people, even if you don’t really know all the politicians. I mean, the politicians don’t know everybody that voted for them. Maybe a cereal killer voted for him, and he just said that he loves all his constituents, and thanks them all for electing him. So say some nice things, and thank your politician for being elected. Honestly, it’s probably a boring job.

     4. Purchase a company, or start one up. Then, unless the company already makes clocks, set up factories and begin manufacturing 24 hour clocks. Then sell the politician a clock, with a large contract and lots of extras that he didn’t want or need, and charge extra fees. You will have made his day, quite literally, by manufacturing the clock and selling it to him.

     5. This fifth way is actually a list of random other things. You could vote for your politician, you could help his campaign, you could donate money to his cause, you could even ask him to vote himself a raise so that he could have more money. You could also send his office strange notes with confusing statements and questions such as, “Your hair resembles a large head of cauliflower”, or “If bananas weren’t so green, why did he turn into a yellow-belly?”. Or even “Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!” This will exemplify your large vocabulary.

                   -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

Inside Scoop: Church moving to beach?

Excerpted from the 9th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Inside Scoop: Church moving to beach? Reports may have surfaced that Faith Bible Fellowship leaders, tired of stacking and unstacking chairs each week, have just decided to move to a beach/lake front service. Church-goers will bring blankets or lawn chairs, and will sit upon the shores of Big Lake as Pastor Ethan delivers a sermon from a fishing boat. Not only will this attract more Biblically minded church-goers, but people sitting in the front row will have the opportunity to fish during the service. -YGStudios

DIY: 5 Paths to Perfecktion.

     Excerpted from the 9th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016.

     Tired of those expensive plans and services to help you get closer to perfection? With our Do It Yourself 5 Paths to Perfection, you can reach perfection exponentially quicker, whether it’s with your new sport you’re trying out, or a relationship you’re having trouble with, or just becoming a more perfect person. So without further ado, here’s our 5 Paths to Perfection.

     1. Don’t make mistakes and be perfect. When you mess up, that’s definitely not helping you be perfect. Making mistakes is the worst mistake you can make when trying to reach perfection. Making mistakes is bad: they’ll just make you look bad and lower your overall “perfectness”.

     2. Increase your perfectness. This involves decreasing your un-perfectness and increasing your level of perfectness. Consciously focusing on not making mistakes or doing anything that would be associated with being un-perfect would probably help.

     3. Consolidate your thinking. If you can get a loop running through your head of the thoughts of how you won’t mess up, this will speed your way to perfectness. Keep thinking, “Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up.” Such constructive thinking will not only give you peace of mind, but also produce a well-worn groove in your brain that you can later use as a slip’n slide for those annoying positive thoughts.

     4. Forsake un-perfectness. Don’t be yourself, because you aren’t perfect. If you just leave all those things that make you un-perfect, then you will instantly become much more perfect.

This will help you on your way to perfection like…. like an article helps an unintelligent person learn something.

     5. Just Kidding. There aren’t actually 5 Paths to Perfection. There are only four paths, due to budget cuts. Also, there was going to be a fifth path, but then the road company didn’t want to build it, and we could not purchase a right-of-way through to put in the 5th Path. Plus, the asphalt was going to cost a lot, and the staff at YGStudios would have had to take a salary cut. Think of it: we might have had to go without donuts for a whole 24 hours. Why should you follow these 5 steps? Think of it. We bring news and information to millions of people, so we should obviously know better than you. So thanks for being one of millions of people who read this.            -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

5 Ways to be Successful.

Excerpted from the 8th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016     

Have you ever failed at anything? Do you tend to turn things into a disaster? Don’t worry. If you answered yes to either of the above questions, read on.

     1. Don’t fail. Studies have shown that failure is one of the main obstacles to success. When you fail, research shows that it obstructs your path to success. It really shuts down the percentage of chance of success when you fail. If you can stop failing, then success has a practical guarantee, as the percentage of chances of success increase dramatically.

     2. Concentrate on not failing. They always say don’t concentrate on not failing, but concentrate on your goals. The problem with that, is that it never brings complete success. Concentrating on not failing is a much better way to avoid failing. 

     3. Focus on the negative side. People always say, “Focus on the positive.” If you only focus on the positive, you won’t even be able to see the big picture. Focusing on the negative aspects of life and problems will help you be able to come up with solutions to overcome with them. If you don’t think of them, you won’t even be able to find solutions. So focus on the negative side. Get a dose of reality, and your success just might skyrocket!

     4. Imagine your failure if you aren’t successful. Thinking about what will happen if you fail, will drive you to despair, and get your blood pressure and anxiety levels up. This will help motivate you to work harder. So just take a breath and imagine you failing in the worst case scenario. This should jerk you back to cold, hard reality and make you work faster.

     5. Make unreachable goals. There are actually two options here. Either make ridiculously impossible goals, or don’t make any goals at all. Making achievable goals will lower your efficiency because you won’t be working as hard as you would be if you are working toward an unreachable goal. Jump for the moon, and you’ll reach the light-pole. Jump for the light-pole, and you’ll barely get off the ground. Either that, or make no goals and just flounder to help improve your creativity. 

     Why should you follow these 5 steps? Think of it. We bring news and information to millions of people, so we should obviously know better than you. So thanks for being one of millions of people who read this. 

                               -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

Inside Scoop: What is the new church color?

Excerpted from the 8th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Inside Scoop: What is the new church color? 

     Reports of the church being painted a new color have surfaced. Are they true? If so, what color? Reports of rumors indicate that red, neon green, and a pink/blue polka dot scheme are under consideration by the FBF Elder Board. One color pattern that didn't make the cut was camouflage, as nobody would be able to find the church. Come to think of it, that’s probably why you don’t see very many camouflaged churches.

-The YGStudios