Pick. Click. Get.

Excerpted from the 12th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016.

     Are you worried about the true meaning of Christmas being diminished? Thinking that your family won’t want to spend money on you? No worries.

The newest charity which is sweeping not only Alaska, but the entire nation, is the most popular charity ever before launched. Pick. Click. Get.

     It’s simple. Just google “pick, click, get.” and you can find the website. www.pickclickget.org 

     It’s simple. Make an account, and search for companies that sell the kinds of things you want. Then you pick your favorite product, click, and get. 

    Instead of helping save animals off the streets, you’ll be getting so much more.

Pick. Click. Get. will wrap your present and deliver it straight to your door. Plus, it only costs you a little money. So instead of wasting extra money on dogs and cats, donate to Pick. Click. Get. and order your pre-wrapped present.

                        -Alex M, the Youth Group Scoop.

Lady Forgets to get her pencil until After sermon 50th time.

Excerpted from the 10th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Yes, that’s right. A lady was reported to have gotten up from her chair, located in the first half of the chairs, and walked all the way to the back to retrieve a pencil, in what seems to be the 50th time. Perhaps some memory techniques are in order. - the YGS

DIY: 5 Ways to Make your Politician’s Day

Excerpted from the 10th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016     

Tired of those politicians who grumble and complain, and say that their constituents never say anything nice to them? Here are the Youth Group Scoop’s Top 5 ways to make Your Politician’s Day.

     1. Tell him what he wants to hear. It’ll make the politician a lot happier and it will also help solve his problems if you tell him what he probably wants to hear. If you say something he doesn’t want to hear, it won’t help him at all.

     2. Realize you can’t make all the politicians happy. If you make your local senator happy, that doesn’t mean that is going to make your representative happy. If you make your senator happy, it probably could make your representative mad at you. Also realize that no matter how hard you try to make one politician happy, you can’t make him all happy. Some of him will probably be mad while part of him will be happy, no matter what you do. If this confuses you, just think of how the politician can’t make all of you and your friends completely happy, because someone always seems to be mad at him.

     3. Say nice things about politicians to the media. Say how you love the politicians, and how they’re just great people, even if you don’t really know all the politicians. I mean, the politicians don’t know everybody that voted for them. Maybe a cereal killer voted for him, and he just said that he loves all his constituents, and thanks them all for electing him. So say some nice things, and thank your politician for being elected. Honestly, it’s probably a boring job.

     4. Purchase a company, or start one up. Then, unless the company already makes clocks, set up factories and begin manufacturing 24 hour clocks. Then sell the politician a clock, with a large contract and lots of extras that he didn’t want or need, and charge extra fees. You will have made his day, quite literally, by manufacturing the clock and selling it to him.

     5. This fifth way is actually a list of random other things. You could vote for your politician, you could help his campaign, you could donate money to his cause, you could even ask him to vote himself a raise so that he could have more money. You could also send his office strange notes with confusing statements and questions such as, “Your hair resembles a large head of cauliflower”, or “If bananas weren’t so green, why did he turn into a yellow-belly?”. Or even “Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!” This will exemplify your large vocabulary.

                   -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

Inside Scoop: Church moving to beach?

Excerpted from the 9th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Inside Scoop: Church moving to beach? Reports may have surfaced that Faith Bible Fellowship leaders, tired of stacking and unstacking chairs each week, have just decided to move to a beach/lake front service. Church-goers will bring blankets or lawn chairs, and will sit upon the shores of Big Lake as Pastor Ethan delivers a sermon from a fishing boat. Not only will this attract more Biblically minded church-goers, but people sitting in the front row will have the opportunity to fish during the service. -YGStudios

DIY: 5 Paths to Perfecktion.

     Excerpted from the 9th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016.

     Tired of those expensive plans and services to help you get closer to perfection? With our Do It Yourself 5 Paths to Perfection, you can reach perfection exponentially quicker, whether it’s with your new sport you’re trying out, or a relationship you’re having trouble with, or just becoming a more perfect person. So without further ado, here’s our 5 Paths to Perfection.

     1. Don’t make mistakes and be perfect. When you mess up, that’s definitely not helping you be perfect. Making mistakes is the worst mistake you can make when trying to reach perfection. Making mistakes is bad: they’ll just make you look bad and lower your overall “perfectness”.

     2. Increase your perfectness. This involves decreasing your un-perfectness and increasing your level of perfectness. Consciously focusing on not making mistakes or doing anything that would be associated with being un-perfect would probably help.

     3. Consolidate your thinking. If you can get a loop running through your head of the thoughts of how you won’t mess up, this will speed your way to perfectness. Keep thinking, “Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up.” Such constructive thinking will not only give you peace of mind, but also produce a well-worn groove in your brain that you can later use as a slip’n slide for those annoying positive thoughts.

     4. Forsake un-perfectness. Don’t be yourself, because you aren’t perfect. If you just leave all those things that make you un-perfect, then you will instantly become much more perfect.

This will help you on your way to perfection like…. like an article helps an unintelligent person learn something.

     5. Just Kidding. There aren’t actually 5 Paths to Perfection. There are only four paths, due to budget cuts. Also, there was going to be a fifth path, but then the road company didn’t want to build it, and we could not purchase a right-of-way through to put in the 5th Path. Plus, the asphalt was going to cost a lot, and the staff at YGStudios would have had to take a salary cut. Think of it: we might have had to go without donuts for a whole 24 hours. Why should you follow these 5 steps? Think of it. We bring news and information to millions of people, so we should obviously know better than you. So thanks for being one of millions of people who read this.            -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

5 Ways to be Successful.

Excerpted from the 8th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016     

Have you ever failed at anything? Do you tend to turn things into a disaster? Don’t worry. If you answered yes to either of the above questions, read on.

     1. Don’t fail. Studies have shown that failure is one of the main obstacles to success. When you fail, research shows that it obstructs your path to success. It really shuts down the percentage of chance of success when you fail. If you can stop failing, then success has a practical guarantee, as the percentage of chances of success increase dramatically.

     2. Concentrate on not failing. They always say don’t concentrate on not failing, but concentrate on your goals. The problem with that, is that it never brings complete success. Concentrating on not failing is a much better way to avoid failing. 

     3. Focus on the negative side. People always say, “Focus on the positive.” If you only focus on the positive, you won’t even be able to see the big picture. Focusing on the negative aspects of life and problems will help you be able to come up with solutions to overcome with them. If you don’t think of them, you won’t even be able to find solutions. So focus on the negative side. Get a dose of reality, and your success just might skyrocket!

     4. Imagine your failure if you aren’t successful. Thinking about what will happen if you fail, will drive you to despair, and get your blood pressure and anxiety levels up. This will help motivate you to work harder. So just take a breath and imagine you failing in the worst case scenario. This should jerk you back to cold, hard reality and make you work faster.

     5. Make unreachable goals. There are actually two options here. Either make ridiculously impossible goals, or don’t make any goals at all. Making achievable goals will lower your efficiency because you won’t be working as hard as you would be if you are working toward an unreachable goal. Jump for the moon, and you’ll reach the light-pole. Jump for the light-pole, and you’ll barely get off the ground. Either that, or make no goals and just flounder to help improve your creativity. 

     Why should you follow these 5 steps? Think of it. We bring news and information to millions of people, so we should obviously know better than you. So thanks for being one of millions of people who read this. 

                               -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

Inside Scoop: What is the new church color?

Excerpted from the 8th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Inside Scoop: What is the new church color? 

     Reports of the church being painted a new color have surfaced. Are they true? If so, what color? Reports of rumors indicate that red, neon green, and a pink/blue polka dot scheme are under consideration by the FBF Elder Board. One color pattern that didn't make the cut was camouflage, as nobody would be able to find the church. Come to think of it, that’s probably why you don’t see very many camouflaged churches.

-The YGStudios

Music Leader Raises Hand?

Excerpted from the 7th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

Alleged rumors of  Music Leader Keith have yet to be confirmed! 

     According to rumours, eyewitnesses may have seen our music leader, Keith, gesture with his hand at a level above his shoulder for a period lasting at least 4 seconds, 1 second over the Faith Bible Ordinances limit of 3 seconds. The Investigation Team from the Faith Bible Police Department was unable to determine the motive behind this alleged crime, or if it was accidental in its nature. As the investigation goes on, investigators are asking themselves many questions, such as these. Will this incident make FBF appear to be Pentecostal? Will Keith start speaking in tongues? Why is the grass green? There are many other questions to ask, but these have plagued the minds of the investigators as they grapple with the implications of this crime. As investigators have been investigating, they have been uncovering other alleged deeds: Keith coughing during the service, not always singing completely perfectly, and other such things. As FBF expected him to be perfect, this is quite a disappointment, as he apparently is not completely perfect. According to some, nobody is perfect, and Keith is not nobody, which means that he is not not nobody, which means he is somebody, which apparently relates to his doing an amazing job as music leader, despite not knowing every line of the Faith Bible Ordinances. 

      Bringing you up-to-date news, -the Youth Group Scoop.

9 Ways to be Famous and/or Popular.

Excerpted from the 7th edition of the Youth Group Scoop 

Do girls throw mud at you? Does nobody know your name? Do you have no friends? You need help. And help is here, or here is the YGS 9 ways to be Famous and/or Popular!

     1. Be friendly. To start out our list, which degrades as it goes on, we have being friendly. Perhaps you never make eye contact or start pleasant conversations. This probably means you were homeschooled. Making eye contact, smiling, and starting conversations helps both your name recognition, and the number of friends you have.

     2. Become a pyromaniac. (Wow, that went downhill fast) With all the news coverage, people will hear about you. Yes, this will make you famous. Probably not popular.

     3. Run for President. First you’ll need a lot of money. So in order to do that, you need to be wealthy. Second step, is run for office. This will make you famous, especially if you insult everybody else running. This probably won’t make you very popular.

     4. Give all your money to everybody you see. This will make you slightly more well known, and popular… until your money runs out. Back to no friends.

     5. Save the world. If people know you did it, then you’ll probably get at least a little bit of thanks. First step? Acquire superpowers. Second step: find something to save the world from. Third step: save the world! 

     6. Invent a perpetual motion machine. People claim this is impossible to have a perpetual motion machine, because of the first and/or second law of Thermodynamics. The problem is, that people don’t realize that laws can be repealed, just like Congress does all the time. They also don’t realize that according to Isaac Newton, one of the world’s greatest scientists, that “an object in motion will stay in motion”, which obviously means that this is possible. So go do it, and you will be famous. However you will be very unpopular with those who claim that this is impossible, as well as with the oil companies. However just about everyone else will probably appreciate you, at least a little bit.

     7. Throw mud at people. This will make you in-famous, especially with those whom you throw mud at. Some people don’t appreciate it, for some odd reason.

     8. Wear an octopus costume everywhere. People will look at you funny. Then they will whisper to their friends while pointing curiously. Then they will inconspicuously snap a couple pictures and post them on their Snapchat. And pretty soon, people will start hearing about the “weirdo that wears an octopus costume” and pretty soon, you’ll be on your way to being famous.

     9. Be famous. And popular. When everyone knows that you are famous, they will know about you because you are famous. That is one way to be famous. If you are popular, people might appreciate you. If people appreciate you, you will be popular. So that is one way to be famous and popular… by being popular and famous.                                     -Alexander Macleone, the Youth Group Scoop.

5 Ways to Make Money this Summer!

Excerpted from the 6th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016
So the summer has started out hot. School is just about out, whether it is high-school, college, etc. Or maybe you just graduated from one or the other.
   So there you are. Sitting there on your porch in the hot, sultry day. The scant clouds drift overhead like giant white balls of fluff. Your friendly neighborhood annoying person (Friendly N.A.P.) who probably is actually your younger sibling comes over and douses you with a water balloon.
But on your mind is this question. What will I do this summer? Perhaps another question is on your mind. How will I make any money this summer? Fear not, O fearful reader. For here is the YGS 5 ways to make money this summer!
     1. Start a lemonade stand. Yes, this is the overused cure-all to pre-teen financial problems. But if you recruit your younger siblings, you can sit out on the street behind a borrowed folding table and look poor. Yes, look poor. And needy. This is an art in itself, but if you and your sibling wear ragged clothing, rub a little dirt on your face, and occasionally sob as people walk by, those people might take pity on you and buy some of your sugar filled-lemon-water that's been sitting out in the sun for 4 hours.
     2. Join the U.S. Treasury Department. Specifically the portion which prints money. You will be part of the printing of millions of dollars, while owning a (perhaps cushy) government job with benefits while helping inflation of the currency so the money you saved will be worth less.
     3. Unlawfully remove property from a financial establishment that invests money deposited by customers, pays it out when required, makes loans at interest, and exchanges currency. Guess what that means! Yes, you'll make money, however side-effects of doing this will also result in "the legal seizure of the custody of one's person prior to subsequent removal to a penitentiary." On the bright side, in jail, you'll have free room and board, food, dental care, et cetera. The benefits just go on!
     4. Do yard work. Yes, there are many ways to do this, but the best way is to rent a bulldozer and (instead of actually putting male bovines to sleep), landscape your neighbor's lawns and yards. They will act displeased and complain, but they actually like it. Charge them a steep fee for driving over their yards and making those piles of dirt. And then, offer to make it look either the way it was, or better. Charge a steep fee for that too. This is one of those "doze first, ask questions later" instances.
     5. Advertise your services or business with a newspaper. This will skyrocket your requests and business opportunities, thereby automatically making your profits increase exponentially! Unfortunately, we couldn't think of any newspa.... Oh, wait a minute: don't go away. We just received word of a great newspaper to advertise with. It was called, the... I Scream Scoo... Oh, right. The Youth Group Scoop.                                                                          -the Youth Group Scoop.

News Flash!

NEWS FLASH!

BREAKING NEWS!

Bat bites man. Man (Don) sues Bat for ruining coat. Bat countersues for emotional and dental damages. See later article covering videography of…….

Bat vs. Man: Don is Justless.

News Flash also featured in 6th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 

FBF Janitors go on Strike!

Excerpted from the 4th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

FBF Janitors Union goes on Strike!!!

   Although rumors have yet to be confirmed, the Janitors of Faith Bible Fellowship have decide they are going to strike. Picket lines, interior decorating, and signs: the whole 9 yards (27 feet [324 in. {822.96 cm (0.0051136364 miles)}])!!!

   Although not the largest strike, both of the union bosses agreed that this would further the community. Negotiations may be taking place eventually, but time will see if church official/leaders give in. What is this strike’s goals? “Slightly higher wages, more benefits like a popcorn machine in the break room, along with more refrigerators, couches, food/drink to go in the fridges, and a rec. room with ping-pong, fooseball, big-screen TVs, and a sandwich bar.” said one of the workers, one of the massive sea of workers which totaled… 3 workers. Rumors have also surfaced that the FBF Sound Team may also strike.                        Reporting for the YGS, Alexander Macleone.

-the YGStudios

P.S.A. Twinkling Stars may be regulated.

Excerpted from the 3rd edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016 #throwbackthursday

Public Service Announcement.

    For you pilots out there, or anybody remotely interested in aviation, read this announcement. Rumors have broken that the Federal Aviation Administration, or the F.A.A. will soon be regulating the frequency and flashing patterns of twinkling stars. Yes, twinkle twinkle little star, I already know what you are (because I took basic science). However these twinkly little ‘stars’ are actually gigantically enormous balls of fire and radioactive rays, hence the F.A.A. may be regulating them as navigational hazards. According to the rumor, he twinkling stars will be required to twinkle at standard aviation regulations for heavy commercial aircraft. 

-Alexander Macleone, YGS.

-the YGStudios

10 Ways to Save on Your Electric Bill!

Excerpted from the 5th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016

10 Ways to Save on Your Electric Bill!

   Your family will go ballistic on these helpful ways to save on your electric bill!!

1.  Turn off all of your lights and adapt your eyes to night vision. This might take a while but don't forget that patience is a virtue!

2.  Reroute your neighbors’ electrical wire to your house. This is guaranteed to get you free electricity for a little while as well as at least a free five day stay in the local jail with lunch provided! Why the benefits go on!

3.  Build a large bonfire in the middle of your living room. This will provide a considerable amount of light as well as heat so you don't have to pay the electric bill or for heating oil!

4.  Flat out don't pay your electric bill. Instead give your MEA or GCI or whoever you go through a sob story about how your extinct water buffalo died and you had to spend the family fortune on a gold inlaid casket because he is allergic to wood. This is sure to get their emotions going and will most likely let you have free electricity for the rest of your life! (or at least… until you get a new pet)

5.  Put mirrors around your house reflecting the light in through the windows! This works fairly well although you may want to wash them every couple hours as the dust tends to stick only to mirrors.

6.  Just kidding!! Even though the title suggest that there are in fact 10 ways to save on electric there is only going to be provided half of them, seeing as the rest were considered as hazardous, and were banned for your safety, not to mention the numerous healthcare and safety violations.                               Reporting for the YGS, Rosie O.

-the YGStudios

Three Youth Groupers have long wait.

Excerpted from the 5th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016,.
Three Youth Groupers have long wait.

            Many attendees of Faith Bible Fellowship saw God’s Not Dead 2, a well-heralded sequel to the Christian Movie, God’s Not Dead 1. 

    But three youth groupers of FBF have decided that they will camp out in the church gym until the release of God’s Not Dead 3, also hoping to spur a rewatching of the 2nd movie. 

“I mean, the popcorn at the theater was kinda stale, and someone had shook up the cans of coke, not to mention that someone gave out mouth-numbing gum. So we’re hoping that if we camp out here, that not only will we get to watch God’s Not Dead 2 again, but when they come out with God’s Not Dead 3, that we’ll be all ready for it, they’ll show it here at church, and we’ll have the best seats in the church gym.” one of the teens reportedly said. One critic pointed out that nobody knows if they are even coming out with God’s not Dead 3, and suggested that the 3 Youth Groupers just watch Captain America 3 on May 6th instead.

                          Reporting for the YGS, Alexander Macleone.

-the YGStudios

10 Ways to liven up your Spring!

Excerpted from the 4th edition of the Youth Group Scoop (C) 2016, edited for web use. 

10 Ways to liven up your Spring!

   1. Wait Until Summer. Your Spring will be so much more warm and breezy if you just wait long enough!

   2. Run for President. Everyone else is: Why not you?

   3. Get Fired. Spending your time at Beans Cafe and Brother Francis’ Homeless Shelter is sure to be a break in the monotony and boredom of your job, if you have one. If you already stay at the homeless shelter, the local jail can sometimes have better food and accommodations. Besides, if you stay there long-term, you get medical and dental care, besides room, board, and occasionally education.

   4. Help Global warming. If you start bonfires around your house to melt the snow, not only are you speeding up the end of spring with your release of potential energy, but you are also helping to warm up our planet a little. Just think of those poor, starving, freezing, children in Antarctica.

   5. Make an Enemy. They always encourage you to make friends, but we need to have balanced lives. Don’t worry, it’s not too hard.

   6. Win the Lottery. (You’ll have people asking for money all the time: but it might take a while to accomplish this one.)

   7. Light Your Hair on Fire. No explanation needed for how this livens things up in your life.

   8. Go Christmas Shopping. Better Early than Late.

   9. Go Dumpster Diving. You find all kinds of things and people.

10. Go to the FBF Youth Group (Really) Again.Coolest thing. Ever.

The Sky is Falling.

NEWS FLASH! 4-1-2016, YGS
According to recent reports, and studies by scientists, there are indications that the sky is officially falling.
     After the United States Homeland Security Natural Disasters Team received millions of phone calls reporting falling sky, Dr. Nob Rain, Phd, M.S., B.A., B.A.A. (Bachelor's of Artsy Arts in International Sheep Studies) conducted a 30 minute nationwide study, which found that in many sections of the United States, objects were indeed falling from the sky.
  Studies found that the sky was falling in several forms, including precipitation of liquid drops, falling pieces of ice and/or ice crystals (which looked remarkably beautiful: incidentally, no two frozen ice crystals were found that were alike), and also mists.
 Alexander Macleone, YGStudios.

This article does not necessarily represent the views of the YGS as a whole.

An Inside Look at the 2015 FBF Youth Group Fall Retreat

    As any credible news source knows, in order to get the best story on something, you need first-hand information. That's why we sent an undercover reporter [The Cameleon] to the FBF YG Fall Retreat to gather firsthand information. The information was so sensational, YGStudios has not been able to release this story until now.
      "The event? The 2015 Faith Bible Fellowship Youth Group Fall Retreat. The people? Your average youth groupers. The location? North Star Bible Camp. Yes, this is the setting for the dramatic scene I, the Cameleon, will paint for you. First of all, you've probably heard of the Cameleon, but aren't sure of exactly who this mysterious character is. Fun Fact: I might have been partially responsible for the mysterious appearance of hundreds of paper boats in Pastor Ben M's office.
   Not a superhero, I am just your ordinary youth-grouper on the surface. Maybe more like a....
kind-of-super-not-quite-a-hero. Without the rest of the Faith Bible Intelligence Agency, or the rest of the P.I.C., any of the ambitious projects currently in our accomplishment files would never have made it out of Research and Development.
     But back to the story. I went undercover (as in sleeping bags) as a normal youth grouper and arrived at the church, at which the Hupomone Homeschoolers were still meeting at. One of my many disguises for which I can easily pose, I walked through the halls of church looking like any other homeschooler. After infiltrating the ranks, I helped drive one of the church vans.... from the back of the church to the front.   Not quite the length of the Indy 500, but this level of undercover takes some work.
   After piling in the vans, eventually everybody made it to the camp. Here is my analysis of the event.
     Food: Awesome. Mrs. Miller did great with the food. Any undercover agent appreciates good food.
   Name. Fall Retreat: Strange? So a Youth Group Fall Retreat means the youth groupers are falling spiritually, and retreating from the fight. "As followers of Christ, we should never retreat!" -Youth Grouper.
      This was one of our most sensational discoveries. Not only were youth-groupers retreating all the way to North Star Bible Camp into a building, they retreated from there down a sledding hill on inner tubes.
     But all in all, Pastor Ben's sermons were great, the fellowship was great (even as an undercover agent, I mean, most of the people didn't even realize that they were talking to  the Cameleon), the Food was great, and the games. And though most agents would shy away from sumo wrestling contest, I persevered and remained undefeated.
   Note: The Cameleon (me) did not win the coloring contest. Bummer.
Yours Truly, the Cameleon, signing out."

-YGStudios